So today my friends....or this morning...I'm breaking down to you. Let me first say I know God loves me, I know He is seeing me through, but also I am human and I deserve every now and then to get upset...so here we go:
It hurts my heart because people look at me and go "Oh well you look great". When they say this I know that they are thinking *well I thought she was sick...she looks just fine to me*. Now in no way am I referring to those of you that are close and know everything and know what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm talking about people in the public who barely know you and just want to have something to talk about. Yes...I may look fine...but you don't know that my joints feel like they are about to burst...that I had just ran to the bathroom and had a painful bowel movement...that my chest feels like there is a knife through it from my treatments...that I have trouble sleeping every night from the pain...that I can't hardly breathe half the time from the heaviness on my chest which is still a side effect from the treatment. Point being....they do not have a clue.
I am on the verge of bawling as I write this. This is why I stand so strong for myself, my God, and for the others that suffer. People need to know. They have become oblivious to other things out there and don't try to learn and find out. I myself was that way. I even went through nursing school and when I read of Crohn's I was like *hmph* No biggy to me! I look back and go how dare you Allison...if you only would have known that your life would be changed just 2 months later!
Now for the other things on my heart. I know God called me into nursing. I have a passion for it...and I know that I'm good at it. I always have such a blessing with each of my patients and somehow the conversation always end up about my God and how wonderful He is.
Now for the part that kills me. My body cannot do it...right now I know it can't. As much walking...my joints would kill me. They kill me now and I barely move around. It just puts so much pressure to me, because never have I had to have people wait on me. Never have I had to have people provide for me. I have always been the nurturer and the one to take care of others and I feel like a bum. It also makes it harder because you know people don't understand. I still have my position at Grove Hill...but I'm sure some of the nurses talk about me. I know they have to be tired of waiting on me. My director of nursing is Karen Coleman and she has been a saint through this all. I know she is expecting me to come back though. I know I have my third treatment May 27 and I know I will be back to square one AGAIN! Dr. Rodriguez said we needed to wait to the 3rd treatment...after this there would be a bunch of blood work and evaluation questions...the 3rd treatment is when it would just BEGIN to show that it was helping if it's going to. As I said before there are 3 options...1-remission 2-outbreaks 3-no effect. I don't know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself because I'm not supposed to be feeling well even if the treatments are going to work. It takes time to build up in the system.
With that being said...I have signed up online and I am working on my Bachelors in Nursing. I know that I am going to have my Bachelors to have a higher up position that doesn't consist of me walking 24/7 and lifting and pulling and killing my body. I am eventually going to work on my Masters too. But as of now...I CANNOT DO THE WORK...today if I went back...I would fall to the floor dead. No lie! My body would get taxed and give out with the treatment inside of me and the cream that I'm using to treat the dern fissure that we possibly might have to have that surgery on.
AHHH!! I am probably making no sense. I'm scared because I think about my future. I know all the doctors have told me I'm one of or the worst case they have seen. I know this...so why do I put so much pressure on myself. I don't want to be the wife that is a burden to my husband! I know Andrew would provide for me and he wouldn't mind it, but to me...that kills me! It's not pride I promise...it's just it's a completely different life for me. As I said I have always worked...I have always provided as much as I possibly could for myself because I wanted to. Life change...HUGE! I don't know what to do...I'm praying to God desperately about it! The crazy thing is I don't feel Him pushing me to go back.
I ask Him "Lord...I know it was your will for nursing...I know you bless me and gave me the knowledge...I know you allowed me to use you in my work setting and heal others through you...now this has happened Lord and I don't know how I am supposed to do it.." *He doesn't answer...He is waiting...I don't know if he wants me to humble and realize that he had nursing for my knowledge so I would understand everything that is going on...I don't know that maybe I might can be on a board for Crohn's because of my nursing like the CCFA board that I'm doing this walk for...I'm trying to figure it all out and I think He is wanting me to pray and seek Him deep deep because I'm not receiving an answer.
I feel like that was a part of my life and now He is wanting me to move on. I was able to use my nursing when I was in the hospital all those times...I saved my life about a billion because I caught nurses about to push the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and I would save the day and my life. Maybe He is wanting me to move on and realize that this is my life now....to prosper from this disease and tell others more about Him and what He is doing in my life!
I know my heart is heavy from the treatments and that is why I'm having chest pain, headaches, trouble breathings...but spiritually and physically my heart is heavy! I feel like I am letting so many people down! I feel like a failure in life right now!
I know I'm not and I know later on today I will go Oh my goodness Allison what were you saying...but right now I told you I would be completely honest and this is how I feel! I am hurting so bad not only physically but emotionally.
I want my life to be His will and I want to please Him. I know I will let people down BUT I DON'T WANT TO LET MY FATHER DOWN! I want Him to be proud of me...and it scares me so bad that I might possibly not be in His will at any point in my life!
So there is my heart...out on the table! I love you all and thank you for what you mean to me! I love you all!
My Nursing Grad Picture
The Love of My Life
Me with My Mom and Dad
Best Friend since 9! Adriana