So today my friends....or this morning...I'm breaking down to you. Let me first say I know God loves me, I know He is seeing me through, but also I am human and I deserve every now and then to get upset...so here we go:
It hurts my heart because people look at me and go "Oh well you look great". When they say this I know that they are thinking *well I thought she was sick...she looks just fine to me*. Now in no way am I referring to those of you that are close and know everything and know what I deal with on a daily basis. I'm talking about people in the public who barely know you and just want to have something to talk about. Yes...I may look fine...but you don't know that my joints feel like they are about to burst...that I had just ran to the bathroom and had a painful bowel movement...that my chest feels like there is a knife through it from my treatments...that I have trouble sleeping every night from the pain...that I can't hardly breathe half the time from the heaviness on my chest which is still a side effect from the treatment. Point being....they do not have a clue.
I am on the verge of bawling as I write this. This is why I stand so strong for myself, my God, and for the others that suffer. People need to know. They have become oblivious to other things out there and don't try to learn and find out. I myself was that way. I even went through nursing school and when I read of Crohn's I was like *hmph* No biggy to me! I look back and go how dare you Allison...if you only would have known that your life would be changed just 2 months later!
Now for the other things on my heart. I know God called me into nursing. I have a passion for it...and I know that I'm good at it. I always have such a blessing with each of my patients and somehow the conversation always end up about my God and how wonderful He is.
Now for the part that kills me. My body cannot do it...right now I know it can't. As much walking...my joints would kill me. They kill me now and I barely move around. It just puts so much pressure to me, because never have I had to have people wait on me. Never have I had to have people provide for me. I have always been the nurturer and the one to take care of others and I feel like a bum. It also makes it harder because you know people don't understand. I still have my position at Grove Hill...but I'm sure some of the nurses talk about me. I know they have to be tired of waiting on me. My director of nursing is Karen Coleman and she has been a saint through this all. I know she is expecting me to come back though. I know I have my third treatment May 27 and I know I will be back to square one AGAIN! Dr. Rodriguez said we needed to wait to the 3rd treatment...after this there would be a bunch of blood work and evaluation questions...the 3rd treatment is when it would just BEGIN to show that it was helping if it's going to. As I said before there are 3 options...1-remission 2-outbreaks 3-no effect. I don't know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself because I'm not supposed to be feeling well even if the treatments are going to work. It takes time to build up in the system.
With that being said...I have signed up online and I am working on my Bachelors in Nursing. I know that I am going to have my Bachelors to have a higher up position that doesn't consist of me walking 24/7 and lifting and pulling and killing my body. I am eventually going to work on my Masters too. But as of now...I CANNOT DO THE WORK...today if I went back...I would fall to the floor dead. No lie! My body would get taxed and give out with the treatment inside of me and the cream that I'm using to treat the dern fissure that we possibly might have to have that surgery on.
AHHH!! I am probably making no sense. I'm scared because I think about my future. I know all the doctors have told me I'm one of or the worst case they have seen. I know this...so why do I put so much pressure on myself. I don't want to be the wife that is a burden to my husband! I know Andrew would provide for me and he wouldn't mind it, but to me...that kills me! It's not pride I promise...it's just it's a completely different life for me. As I said I have always worked...I have always provided as much as I possibly could for myself because I wanted to. Life change...HUGE! I don't know what to do...I'm praying to God desperately about it! The crazy thing is I don't feel Him pushing me to go back.
I ask Him "Lord...I know it was your will for nursing...I know you bless me and gave me the knowledge...I know you allowed me to use you in my work setting and heal others through you...now this has happened Lord and I don't know how I am supposed to do it.." *He doesn't answer...He is waiting...I don't know if he wants me to humble and realize that he had nursing for my knowledge so I would understand everything that is going on...I don't know that maybe I might can be on a board for Crohn's because of my nursing like the CCFA board that I'm doing this walk for...I'm trying to figure it all out and I think He is wanting me to pray and seek Him deep deep because I'm not receiving an answer.
I feel like that was a part of my life and now He is wanting me to move on. I was able to use my nursing when I was in the hospital all those times...I saved my life about a billion because I caught nurses about to push the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and I would save the day and my life. Maybe He is wanting me to move on and realize that this is my life now....to prosper from this disease and tell others more about Him and what He is doing in my life!
I know my heart is heavy from the treatments and that is why I'm having chest pain, headaches, trouble breathings...but spiritually and physically my heart is heavy! I feel like I am letting so many people down! I feel like a failure in life right now!
I know I'm not and I know later on today I will go Oh my goodness Allison what were you saying...but right now I told you I would be completely honest and this is how I feel! I am hurting so bad not only physically but emotionally.
I want my life to be His will and I want to please Him. I know I will let people down BUT I DON'T WANT TO LET MY FATHER DOWN! I want Him to be proud of me...and it scares me so bad that I might possibly not be in His will at any point in my life!
So there is my heart...out on the table! I love you all and thank you for what you mean to me! I love you all!
My Nursing Grad Picture
The Love of My Life
Me with My Mom and Dad
Best Friend since 9! Adriana
I know exactly what you mean about people in the public and even some close to you being oblivious to you and what you are going through. Allison, you have to trust (like you are doing) that those closest to you, those who "know" everything, understand. And the Lord knows and sees all and He is the Great Physician! You know that! You don't realize how much strength you have in that sweet soul of yours! You blow me away sometimes at your faith, your unfailing persistence, and your willingness to do whatever it takes to conquer this! You inspire SO many and you are loved by SO many! Your nursing degree is a huge accomplishment and I know that you want to be a Nurse actively and you want a "normal" life (as I have no many times said that very thing to myself). But what we have to understand is that out of everyone God chose us to carry this burden and He chose us to walk this walk - NOT TO PUNISH US! Yet to BRING HONOR AND GLORY TO HIM! To show nonchristians that even in the weakest of our hours that we can and will continue to serve Him! We will serve Him in the good times and in the not so good times! You're a witness Allison! And every person that crosses your path is touched by your life, you have to believe that! These are the cards that the Lord has dealt us and we have to embrace the opportunity to show others that we can be strong even though we feel weak as a dish rag sometimes. To God Be The Glory For The Things He Hath Done! He brought us together and that is one of THE most wonderful things that has ever happened to me! I'm praying for you as you pray for me! I love you!
ReplyDeleteSorry that was so long! :(
ReplyDeleteI can not tell you how many days I have had like this. I often times feel as if no one understands BOTH the emotional and physical pains of Crohns. I have days where I get worn out by just walking to my livingroom. The awful physical side effects that Crohns has are terrible, but I feel like people that don't know me too well are unable to see the cruel, emotional side effects that Crohns has on my body. Sometimes the suffering gets so bad that I feel completely worthless. As a Mom, I am used to being a caregiver,too. I feel like such a burden when other people have to wait on me hand and foot. I totally understand when you say that it's NOT a "pride" thing. . .I know where you're coming from. I was your age when Crohns first started attacking my body, I can't tell you how ashamed I was to tell anyone about my Crohns. I didn't want anyone to know what the disease was doing to me, I was so embarrassed. I didn't even want anyone to see me. I couldn't go anywhere without getting sick! I basically felt like I wasn't living a real life. I just want you to know that I really do feel your every pain...I've been there. BUT you are also a huge inspiration! You are so brave to publicly share your story. It took me almost four years to start sharing mine! So many others are afraid to talk about this! Your desire to spread the word about Crohns will help others in many different ways. I can not tell you how inspired I am by you sharing your story and your passion for Christ. -Kelly
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ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! Wow...I just read all three comments and was blown away with happiness, peace, and a big smile! Thank you for allowing God to use you as my "earthly Jesus"! That is what I call it. A dear friend of mine and I were talking about how I talk to God sometimes and say "God I just want to feel your hand...I just want to touch you...if only you could hold me physically Jesus...I know you are holding me, but I want to feel it!" That is when we talked about God putting your Christian friends in your life to be that hug, to be that person to hold you physically since He is not here on Earth physically with us! Isn't that amazing...He is holding us physically...it's just through one another! That is what these three messages did for me. Gave me the physical comfort and love from Him! Thank you all! It is so funny though...Amy I know you can relate because you struggle with your own conditions...so you know the physical and emotional part, but it's still different because I cannot truly understand the pain you go through! Kelly....I can relate to you because for once I have found someone else that has an almost "untreatable" case. You know my exact pains and obstacles. Funniest part is God JUST brought you into my life. Jamie I have known you for 9 years...you saw me before the Crohn's attacked so you can support me with the change knowing that this is a life change for me. Also you know about the work deal because of you and the teaching aspect and now being a house-wife!
ReplyDeleteEach of you can hold me in such a specific way and I'm so glad I wrote this...I needed each of your words desperately and God gave them to you to tell me!
So to all of you new and old I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
P.S. never apologize for it being long ;) you say everything you need to say and never hold anything back :) You are being a vessel for the Big Guy :)
You cannot let God down. You don't hold him, he holds you. Remember that and smile.
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